I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
