If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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