I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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