Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
