If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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