I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
