What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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