he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He? As in you personified your dick?
Randomize
