I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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