His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
