Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
