she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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