I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
