cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Please don't give away my fajitas
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
