never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
