if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
