I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
