Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
So much rum. So many feels.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
