are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
