Dude my mom stole all your condoms
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
