its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
