Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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