i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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