im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
if only i could text you this smell
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
