I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
