my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
