not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
