she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
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