We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
