I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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