He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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