i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
