You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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