I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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