Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
