What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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