Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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