new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
