And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
