my soul wont recognize me after tonight
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
