all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
