so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
