hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
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