my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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