Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
