Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I have fence marks all over my body
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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