every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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