Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
did i just pee glitter
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
