Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
