Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
